The Sacrament of Marriage
Human beings are social creatures. We suffer if we feel lonely and thrive most in the company of those who love and accept us. Our first experience of this love is within our family. The family is where we first encounter the love of other human beings. God loves us, but his love is often most clearly shown to us through the love of other people. The love which we have for each other is part of the love of God. All love comes from God, and all love reflects that love that God has for all of his creation. We call God 'Father' but we only understand what this means because we have an idea of what a human father ought to be like: loving patient and generous.

Not everyone is able to find this sort of love; in parts of the world poverty may prevent some from marrying or people may have to look after members of their family. Some people simply don't find a partner or their partner may have died. Although the sacrament of Marriage is an important expression of the human need to form committed relationships, it is not the only way. We all need to belong to be part of a family or group that will accept and care for us no matter what. But we can develop and grow through close, significant relationships without marriage, especially if we belong to a Church which is a true community of love.

Divorce - Remarriage - Annulment
With the best will in the world, some marriages do not work. Instead of being a place of love, care and support, they become a place of fear and violence or isolation. In some cases the physical and emotional well being of a family demands that the couple separate. Mercy and gentleness are needed for those who have suffered a broken marriage. The Church does not permit divorce and remarriage, however there are cases where a couple may well have grounds for annulment. An annulment is not just the Church's version of civil divorce, where it is enough to show that the marriage has broken down irretrievably. In order to be granted an annulment, the couple must demonstrate that they were not validly married in the first place. A valid marriage is one where both partners freely consented without fear or outside pressure to the sharing of the whole of their future life together.

The minister of the sacrament of Marriage is not the priest, but the couple themselves. The priest acts as a witness. In the past, a marriage could be valid even without the presence of the priest. In the Middle Ages, for example, it was usually enough for a couple to say 'I marry you' for the marriage to be valid and binding. This meant that even words spoken in the heat of the moment could constitute a valid marriage. This situation did cause problems if the marriage broke down, especially if there were no witnesses and one of the couple denied agreeing to the marriage. In response to these difficulties, the Church demanded that the couple at least have their marriages witnessed by the priest, and in the twelfth century the first marriage rites were developed.

The Touch of Love
A desire to marry is a sign that each partner has been "touched" by another in an extra special way. They have opened their hearts to one another and finally found the courage in their love to want to offer and to receive total commitment for life. There is a risk here for they are offering their whole life to another human being in complete trust. But love. the kind of authentic love which reflects the love of God, does just that; it is willing to give everything, even life itself, for the beloved.

Such a magnificent reflection of God's love is almost too much for us to understand. People often say that they don't understand what a couple see in one another. But love makes it possible for us to see what no-one else sees except God, that the one who is loved is uniquely precious, irreplaceable and infinitely loveable. It is natural that those who experience such love want to tell the world and want their love to continue forever.

That is what is at the heart of Christian marriage; that is what is announced to the world on the wedding day. And in that announcement each partner touches the other in a special way; at the heart of the ceremony, the couple take one another's hand and exchange rings as a sign that their love is for life. From that moment on, as they touch one another in their lovemaking, they will re-create their own lives and create a new family as partners with God in the world.

The wedding day completes one period of a relationship and begins another. The love which has been acknowledged and publicly announced, now begins to grow and nurture each partner. This takes place in a variety of ways because every marriage is unique. If we look at our hands, the hands which exchange one of the first signs of "touch", we can see how each finger bears its own print — unrepeated on anyone else, ever, at any time.

It's been said that, "like fingerprints, all marriages are different". Each marriage is special, no marriage on earth is quite like another. Regardless of the kind of family a couple come from, their parent's marriage, or the kind of marriage they are "expected" to have, the partners of each marriage have the right and the call from God to create a marriage that is right for them — based on that unconditional love announced at their wedding.

God and love.
It's so much easier to believe in someone's love for us when we feel their arms about us. The touch of a partner reassures us of their love. It should also reassure us of God's love. For Christians believe that God reaches out and touches us through the love of others. Jesus Christ is at the heart of all love.

Falling in love is a very human experience. But when we decide to consecrate that love in Christian marriage our human love becomes a sign in the world of God's love. Our experience tells us that there is something "extra" here — something beyond human explanation. When we pledge ourselves to unconditional love for life we show what Christ's own self-sacrificing love is like. Ours, like his, is a love without limits. We are in true partnership with God.

What happens at a wedding?
The couple, their families, friends and the Christian community gather together to celebrate this sign of God's life in the world. Words of welcome are exchanged and opening prayers are offered for the couple and their future happiness.

Everyone present listens to the word of God read from the Scriptures.

The couple are asked three questions which cover the key elements of Christian marriage:

Total giving —
"Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?"

Total faithfulness —
''Will you love and honour each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?"

Creative love —
"Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?"

An affirmative response is given to each question by each person.

The couple then declare their consent to the marriage before God and his people. They publicly unite themselves for life in this Christian marriage.

Wedding rings are exchanged as a sign of the vows that have been taken and as a sign that their commitment is unending.

Prayers are offered by everyone present for the couple, for their families, for all married people and for the whole world.

A celebration of the Eucharist may follow.

Marriage to someone who isn't a Catholic.
Many Catholics marry someone who belongs to a different Church or who has no religious beliefs. It's important that such couples take time to understand one another's point of view on all religious and domestic matters. Each partner is called to respect the others' point of view and must allow them the freedom to practise their faith.

It's also important that the partner who isn't a Catholic knows and understands the obligations the Catholic has to keep their own faith and to bring up any child they might have in that faith. It's important too, that the Catholic understands and respects the religious views of their partner with sincere reverence.

The obligations of the Catholic are expressed in the promise made before the wedding,

"I declare that I am ready to uphold my Catholic faith and to avoid all dangers of falling away from it. Moreover, I sincerely undertake that I will do all that I can within the unity of our partnership to have all the children of our marriage baptised and brought up in the Catholic Church."

MARRIAGE V. LIVING TOGETHER
Many people think that living together or a "trial marriage" is the best form of marriage preparation. It's only by living with someone, they say, that you can really get to know them properly.

Certainly couples who live and sleep together get to know a lot about each other. But it is very different from marriage in one big way. A trial marriage is temporary. if things go wrong the couple will split up. Christian marriage is permanent. When things go wrong the couple will stick together and work things out.

For Christians, married love is like Christ's love; it is faithful and unselfish and permanent. An arrangement in which a couple agree to "live together" and to separate if things go wrong, inevitably devalues the love they profess because it brings to their relationship some self-interest and infidelity.

Living together makes a statement which says "I will be with you as long as it is right for me... I will stay with you while I am happy with you... I do not love you enough to commit my life to you but you'll do for now..." Such a value system devalues self-esteem, reduces each partner to a consumer goodie who must come up to scratch for the consumer or be rejected. That way of dealing with people and with human relationships is very damaging to individuals and to a couple. Such an arrangement appears to lend freedom to a relationship but it also breeds insecurity and lack of confidence. What happens in sickness and, unemployment, in the care of children or in old age? These are the reasons for Christ's clear teaching that life together in a sexual union belongs only in marriage.

Marriage -- A Sacrament With A Difference
In one respect, at least, the sacrament of Marriage is different from the other six sacraments. Unlike the others, marriage is recognised as an essential part of secular society. Get rid of all religion, in other words, and marriage still makes sense.

This cannot be said of the other six sacraments. Baptism, the Eucharist, Reconciliation etc. are religious rites. They can only be celebrated as signs of our faith in God.

It is essential to recognise this in order to understand the sacrament of marriage and the laws which surround it. For it helps to explain the changes that have taken place in the marriage laws over the centuries. And, of more practical importance, it helps us to understand the changes that are taking place in the Church's marriage legislation today. To a great extent our understanding of marriage and the Church laws that govern its celebration are coloured by changes in society.

For the first thousand years of the Church's history no special church ceremony was considered necessary for the majority of Christians. In the first centuries this fact, of course, is hardly surprising. Many were married as pagans and baptised as Christians afterwards. And it never occurred to the remainder who married after baptism to have a separate Church ceremony distinct from the normal "civil" marriage celebrated in the family or immediate social circle. Yet marriage between Christians was recognised as a holy union of men and women in Christ, "celebrated by God himself in heaven".

Sometimes Church ceremonies accompanied the "civil" ceremony. But, generally, marriage followed the form of local custom, which varied from region to region. And in practice the Church accepted the power of the state to pass most of the necessary marriage laws, including those affecting Christians.

From the eleventh century we detect a distinct change in the Church's policy. After long centuries of confusion following the crumbling of the Roman Empire people needed order and stability. And the Church fulfilled that need. She helped to reconstruct society by taking over marriage in its civil forms and so acquired virtually exclusive legal powers in matrimonial affairs.
This was a lengthy process. It was not until 1560 that the Church finally insisted on marriage being solemnised in the presence of a priest and two witnesses, and the results were mixed. It was a civilising process in that, for example, the Church slowly but successfully fought the practice by which the father literally "gave away" his daughter in marriage as he would dispose of any property. On the other hand, the process meant that the Church and the civil authorities tended to go their separate ways, with unfortunate consequences for both.

We have already seen that marriage is different from the other sacraments; marriage is an essential part of secular society. One fact emphasises this. Alone in the Church's liturgy and from the earliest times all the marriage ceremonial of the Church has been celebrated in the local language of the people. It is the sacrament which, above all, must be understood.

Over the centuries society has coloured our understanding of marriage but equally, and perhaps more importantly, over the centuries Christian marriage has changed society. And that is why the continuous interweaving of society and marriage and the subtle change and adaptation which that stimulates, continues today. Christian marriage always has something "extra" to offer society and so the Church continues to be sensitive to the many new tensions and challenges in marriage that present themselves in every age.

The Wedding Ring
Rings have always been rich in symbolism. In Biblical times they were made of ivory, crystal or metal and were a sign of dignity and rank. Increasingly, they signified a pledge of loyalty and trust and, in Roman times , were used as a mark of betrothal.

Since the Middle Ages it has been traditional for the bridegroom to place the ring on the thumb of the bride, then on her second finger, and then on her third, naming each person in the Trinity. The ring was then placed on the fourth finger at the word, "Amen". This shows in action as well as in words that he enters marriage "in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit".

Another reason in ancient times for placing the ring on the fourth finger is because it was believed that it contained a certain vein which proceeds to the heart.

The ring is not a symbol of captivity; rather of unbroken unity and unending changelessness — the perfect round. It does not mean that "this person belongs to me" but "I belong to this person".

Rings at a wedding are blessed with these or similar words:

Lord, bless these rings which we bless + in your name.
Grant that those who wear them may always have a deep faith in each other.
May they do your will and always live together
in peace, goodwill and love.
Through Christ our Lord.
Amen.